i'm shifting over to wordpress.

I had a fantastic bimbo moment in lab last week. I had gone in one morning and smiled at everyone as per normal; but nobody smiled back at me! My first thought was 'oookaayyy a little angsty this morning aren't we' and went on with my work as usual.

Went to lab early

I had so much to blog about in mind today but the moment I got back the desire to blog has all but vanished. It's been a long challenging day, to say the least, and tomorrow is looking to be another long day. 

For some reason this line kept replaying in my head...

"Can something that's already shattered be broken all over again?"

No points for guessing why.

I've had many many thoughts cross my mind over the last two weeks. Rather chaotic... like a multi-layered highway.. haha the line mentioned above seemed to be the most coherent of the lot.

I like that I'm busy in Singapore. Tiring, but then my focus is on something else and not the jumbled up yarn that is my thoughts.

Well I ran home again this weekend... but this time it didn't feel so much like I was running... more like I just needed to get away (again). Home has and always will be my security blanket. I may not get the luxury of doing so in the next 4 years... who knows?

I also got a haircut and bangs. For the first time in God knows how long. I kinda like it... it's growing on me.

Speaking of God, there MUST be a God. I nearly missed my bus home (no thanks to Singapore's rush hour traffic; who knew it would be so bad!) I got there JUST in time to board the bus. I was a nervous wreck on the SBS bus on the way there... I'm really grateful to the SBS bus driver; his calm demeanor and helpful tone kept me sane. I've met some that aren't as patient. Needless to say I was praying like crazy on the bus for the cars to move. Perhaps there IS a guardian angel watching over me, as my mother says. I'm not so hardcore in science that I won't believe it... There is room in my heart for the inexplainable ways that my life has turned out amazingly well despite all the shit thats ever happened (granted I know that some go through a lot worse...)

Everyday I know a little bit more about myself. I get awful morbid thoughts when I'm highly stressed. I worry about losing the people I love, the people I hold so dear, the people that keep me sane. I worry about being so lost in chaos that I can't find myself. I worry that the next time I fall into the deep dark pit I won't ever get out again. And sometimes I feel as though I embark on a path of self destruction every time I get hurt deeply. I don't think I could deal with loss, though the horrible reality of it is that it is bound to happen, sooner or later. And then I go on to think about what I would want to do if today was my last day alive. And how I'd like to go out in style... haha. No black at my funeral, the more colourful the better (though nothing gaudy please!). I'd wonder what I'd do with my ashes... I wouldn't want them hanging around somewhere in some urn to be forgotten eventually.

Morbid, I know. But you never know when your time is up... appreciate the people you love, tell them often enough how much they mean to you. People have been telling me that sometimes, some people just need to get out of your life in order for you to grow. I could never cut someone else out of my life completely, willingly (unless the other person did it, in which case I have no say in the matter; it's happened to me before, can't say it was pleasant). I don't want to look back and regret stupid choices I've made, time not spent, things not said.

So I guess I'm just an old romantic sap that way. Does that make me any less stronger as a person?


edit: so apparently I can cut people out of my life. It's not gonna be permanent, but I don't know yet for how long. We'll see.